Holding On for Dear Life

December 4, 2007
Colton is very sick, he needs lots of prayers. An infection is taking over his small body. They have started antibiotics and are hoping they caught it in time. He is so swollen from all meds, he looks so bad, I cry just looking at him. We are still staying at the Ronald McDonald House, the workers and volunteers are so freindly and helpful. They have dinner for the parents every night and it is always very delicious. Colt is now 9 days old and has had 7 blood transfusions, they found two tiny holes in his heart and have diagnosed him with lung disease, he is still on the ventilator but this infection could make everything even worse than it already is. A nurse told us today that preemies don't multi-task well, he has so much going on but only enough energy and strength to fight off some of it. An ultrasound today showed that the bleeding on his brain is on both sides and has stayed at Grade 3 (4 is the worst), I really hope it doesn't increase, I don't know how much more of all this he can take. I wish I could take his place and make it all better, I wish he was still safe and warm inside of me. I can't help but ask "why him?".

December 5, 2007
Colton, sweet boy, I am sitting next to your bed as I write. The doctors called us a few hours ago to tell us there is nothing else they can do for you, it is up to you and God now. They told us to get here right away, to spend time with you, they have let us know that you are deathly sick and may not be with us much longer, I'm praying hard, my little man, that is all I can do. I am so sorry that I did this to you, I feel like it is all my fault, why couldn't I have just given you a little more time to grow inside me? Everyone says it isn't anything I did or didn't do so why do I feel so guilty. This infection has caused your body to give up but I pray that there is still a little fight left in you. There are several people out in the waiting room praying for you, I won't let them back to see you just yet, you need your energy. Daddy and I love you so very much, he is here with me now. He has been so strong, I wish I had the faith in you that he does. He keeps telling me you are going to be fine, we just have to believe, I'm trying to believe, it's so hard. Your alarms are ringing, you're desatting almost constantly, I hear the ding of your alarms in my sleep. I am always thinking of you. The nurses are leaving you alone, letting you rest. You have cords, wires and IVs all over your swollen body, some people believe preemies do not feel pain, oh how I hope that is true. I cannot even begin to name all the medications you are taking, I know some of them are antibiotics, trying to fight off the infection. You are also on blood pressure medicines and insulin and medicines to help with your swelling but I'm not sure if that is all of them. If you can make it through this I promise to be the best Mommy in the entire world, you deserve the best.

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