How we found out...

In June of this year I had to go to the doctor for some annual blood work due to a medication that I am on. Seth and Colton went with me, we thought it would be a quick and uneventful visit. They waited in the waiting room while I walked back with the nurse. She took my blood pressure and temperature. Then, finally took some blood and requested a urine sample. About five minutes later the Doc came in and said these exact words. "Welp, you're pregnant". ...WHAT!?!?!?!?... After the miscarriage, Seth and I had decided to wait until after I graduated to have another little blessing. He was in the process of starting a new job and after a quick calculation I realized this baby would be due right in the middle of student teaching. The doc finished up while I sat there dumbfounded. I was so worried, worried about the timing, worried this pregnancy would end up in another miscarriage, worried what Seth was going to think. The nurse came in to give me some paperwork and a little plastic bag containing a white stick with two clearly pink lines. I opened the door to the waiting room, saw my adorable son and husband playing, I stood there for a moment, then the tears came streaming down my face. Seth saw me crying and asked me what was wrong. My only possible response was to hand him the plastic bag. So I did. Seconds later, through the sobs, I managed to blurt out a wimpy "I'm pregnant". I waited patiently for his response. The words I heard next took a huge weight off my shoulder, Seth always has a way of making me realize that everything is going to be okay. He smiled "Well, what are you crying for?" and gave me a big bear hug.

On the ride home we went into planning mode. By my timeline I was about 5 weeks along, we decided not to tell anyone until closer to 10. With my high risk status I had been told to call the baby doc as soon as I found out about any pregnancy. I did so and got an appointment for later that week. We discussed possibilities and explained to Colton that he was going to have a little sibling. By the time we reached the driveway I was feeling tons better, everything was going to be okay, we knew it.

Surprise!

If you follow my facebook account then this announcement is not such a big deal but if not, guess what... Colton is going to be a big brother.

I am 24 weeks and one day. I'm not quite sure why I've waited so long to blog about this miracle growing inside of me. I think I was just a little superstitious that me blogging about it might jinx us. If you remember, Colton was born at 23 weeks, 6 days. We have officially made it past that point and I am overflowing with thankfulness. More on what we (my doctors and I) have done to keep this little one cooking at least a little longer than his brother soon. It has certainly been an interesting several months.

Introducing...
Sawyer James Darnell
Due: February 24, 2012

Your Day

A letter to my sweet pea:

Today is your day, darling child, the day you were to be born. During the ten short weeks you were with me, I often imagined you being carried to me wrapped in a plush blanket of pink or blue, then safe and cozy in my arms. I imagined your first cry, your first smile, your first step, your first day of school and many more memories we will never have the chance to make. I imagined you playing with your big brother, I know he would have loved you with all his heart.

I never got to hear your heartbeat or feel your fluttery movements but the love and excitement I felt for you was blissful and sweet, however brief. Today is the day I beg God to give you back, the day I lay in bed and cry for a life that never was. The day I see other mothers with adorable babies or large bellies and wonder "why?".

I know you are in a much better place, my sweet angel, but today is the day I selfishly want you here with me. I never got to kiss your precious face but I know one day you will greet me at Heaven's gates with a smile and long embrace.

I'll love you always Sweet Pea,
Your Mommy

Moments

Today was one of those moments that I know I will treasure forever. Colton graduated from his first year of preschool and walked to his seat with his walker and a little assistance from one of his teachers. This is the farthest I have seen him walk since getting sick this winter. The whole cafeteria was still and you could just feel everyone rooting him on silently. It was a moment that I cannot describe in words but luckily Daddy had the camera handy.

Wordless Wednesday: A video from Easter

Considering I didn't really have a chance to blog much this year, I decided to share a video from Easter in late April. Here is Colton (and Mommy) checking out the goodies the Easter bunny brought.

Random Ramblings

Took Colton to the Pediatrician today, turns out he needs to visit the allergy doctor. I never had allergies as a child but Seth had them bad. We go June 10th and I have a feeling it won't be a very fun visit.

*Praxis Update*
Every teacher (at least in Kentucky) has to take and pass an exam towards the end of their undergraduate college career. I took this test on April 30th and was very scared that I wasn't going to pass. Well, today I got my scores... A passing score is 148, I received a 174! I was so excited when I opened up the PDF document and saw that. Interestingly enough, my highest score was in the math section, lowest was social studies and my science/language arts were the middle. If you can't tell I am extremely glad that I passed and now only a simple piece of paper stands between me and my own classroom. I can't wait.

Last thought for this post, The Rapture predictor guy is crazy, that is all.

Update

It's been awhile... a long while. I went back to school for the semester in January and haven't had time to post since. However, now I am on summer break and missing the twitter and blogging world so I'm jumping back in head first.

As most of you know Colton was very sick for several months this winter. We finally had to take him to the ER at UK Hospital, they admitted him to figure out what was wrong. They discovered that he was having a reaction to his CP medication and took him off of it immediately. It was a behavioral reaction so it was very hard to figure out, we had taken him to at least four different doctors and none of them knew what was wrong. The meds were causing him to go into fits of delirium, he was miserable. He has been placed on a new medicine that helps his legs to not be so tight and so far we have seen no ill side effects.

School, for both Colton and me, is going well. I made the Dean's List each semester this year and have a scheduled graduation date of May 2012, only one more semester of classing considering I student teach that Spring. I literally cannot wait. Little Mr. Darnell LOVES school and is doing very well. His teachers are amazing and have helped him progress outrageous amounts this year. He will "graduate" from P3 and into P4 this week. He spends his afternoons with Ms. Monica, our Nanny, they are great together and she has helped him reach many goals in just the short time she has been with us.

I'm sure there are several other things I should update you all on but they will come to me later and I will try very hard to post them. Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely weather.

SNOW!

We've had lots of snow in Kentucky this winter. Colton really loves the white stuff but he has been too sick to go outside and play in it. His favorite thing is going sledding! He went back to school today and guess what they are learning about? You guessed it, snow!

After a meeting at the hospital to help start a local NICU support group (more on that later) I came to Nana and Pop's house to do craft time with Colton. We decided to make today an indoor snow day.

We played in the snow.

Tasted (that part wasn't planned) and talked about the snow. Colton can say "snow" and "cold".

Read about the snow.

And even made a snowflake picture.
Snow is fun and pretty but I'm pretty sure we aren't the only ones looking forward to Spring!

A (singular) Picture

One of the only photos of Colton on Christmas. Most of the day he was sleeping or fussing because he felt so terrible. Check out his super-duper cool Mickey Mouse Jamas from Nana!

Christmas and New Years in a Nutshell

Colton has been sick the WHOLE month of December and so far in January... Ear Infection, Croup and now some type of Respiratory illness. He has been miserable. We have been to the hospital for blood work twice, admitted once for dehydration and I've lost count of our trips to the Pediatrician. They have tested him for flu, RSV and strep, all were negative. At one point he was so sick that we had to restrain him to keep him from punching himself in the face (like hard, with blood). It's been so rough on him and sometimes he grabs my neck, squeezes me and says "Mama" in his hoarse little voice. I can tell he wants me to make him feel better but I can do nothing to make him feel better. It is the most frustrating thing in the world.

Right before all this started we went to Michigan to see Dr. Trese (Colton's Retina Specialist). They did an exam under anesthesia and determined that his retinas were still attached (good news) but there had been no improvement (bummer). I have completely accepted 100% that my son is blind... it is so weird to say that so bluntly. I usually say visually impaired or "he can't see very well" but I am finally comfortable with using the B word. Today at the Pediatrician I saw a little boy admiring the fish that were on the waiting room wall paper, I had a moment of sadness thinking about simple things like that that my son will never do. I took a deep breath, looked down at my little man and smiled. He is amazing and smart and happy and my little miracle. There are so many things he will be able to do!

One thing he has been doing (and LOVING) is going to school. He has been on Christmas break and every time we say something about his teachers or classmates his eyes light up, he will go back to school next week as long as we get all this sickness straightened out.

So that is just a little update on us Darnells. 2011 is going to be a great year, I just know it.

Refresh Everything

Each month pepsi is giving 1.3 million in grants to people/groups/organizations that have refreshing ideas. Each idea is voted on by people like you and in the $250,000 category, the top 2 ideas receive funding. It is a very refreshing program.

Now, I need your help. Colton has been receiving vision therapy from VIPS (Visually Impaired Preschool Services) since he came home from the NICU in May 2008. VIPS has been serving children who are blind and visually impaired for 25 years in Kentucky. Ms. Dixie (his teacher/therapist from VIPS) has been a blessing to say the least. There are two offices- Louisville and Lexington. The teachers travel most of the state to provide therapy and education to the children in their homes. Louisville's office started a preschool program to provide more services for their children with visual impairments. This state of the art facility is not only used for the preschool but also provides programs for children birth to three that are visually impaired. The Lexington location, wants to do the same for their children. The problem is their current building will not house a licensed preschool. To see this dream come true to offer more programs and services to children in the Central and Eastern areas of KY they will need to move to another facility. With your help, this new facility will provide children with an enriched educational environment that will meet their needs for hands on learning and meeting their developmental milestones.

Needless to say, this would greatly benefit the visually impaired children here in our area and you can make this happen by voting for VIPS' idea. How? you ask. It's easy! You can vote once a day (from now to Dec. 30th) by visiting here AND by texting 104721 to 73774. You can vote online as well as by text everyday. We have a great opportunity to help these children be better prepared to face a world full of challenges.

Battle of the Autumn Leaves

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was in a bit of a "mommy mood" after his first day of preschool. He wouldn't let mommy out of his earshot so they spent a few hours eating cheeseburgers, reading books and playing in the leaves.
While playing in the leaves, the little boy discovered that they made a really fun crunchy noise when he stomped on them with his new boots.
After stomping and crunching for some time, he grew curious about how the leaves felt, he decided he would explore.

They felt funny in his little hands, he giggled and so did his Mommy. When he heard her laugh he decided she was too far away and crawled through the funny, crunchy leaves to get her...
It was a long journey but finally he reached out and there was her hand.
He had braved the leaves to reach his mommy. He raised his hand to the air and declared victory over the crunchy, funny things.
Then, the mommy and her little boy went inside for a snack and nap time. They lived happily ever after.

***be sure to check out the video from his first day here.

School Days

The first question I have been asked by everyone on Colton's first day of preschool... "did you cry?" NO I did not. I wasn't really sure but I didn't think I would. Like I said yesterday I am just so thrilled that he has made it this far. Three years ago he was in the NICU and they weren't sure if he would even make it through the night. Now, here he is going off to preschool. It's amazing, I am so incredibly thankful. I guess the joy trumped the tears today, I know for sure that my heart is full of it!

This morning Daddy brought out the video camera while we were heading out the door. Enjoy!

Ready as we'll ever be.

WOW! I cannot believe tomorrow my little boy will start preschool. It seems like just yesterday I was discussing the subject with his therapists, only for them to respond "oh, Crystal, preschool is so far away". You see, I like to have a plan, the plan doesn't always work out but I need to at least have one. The first step of the plan has been to get him as prepared for preschool as we (our family and his excellent team of early interventionists) possibly can. Everyone, especially Colton, has worked incredibly hard to get him to this day.

Last week, we had our last visits ever with Ms. Dixie and Ms. Suzanne, his vision and physical therapists. They have been with us for so long, we are all really going to miss both of them. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have made it through these last three years without them.

Colton is attending a public preschool here in Frankfort. We have met with his teachers and therapists there and already feel very strongly that we made the right decision to send him to this school. Colton's eyes light up every time we mention the word "school", he is ready. Everyone has warned me that I will cry tomorrow, I don't disagree, I might but more than anything I am excited. Excited that he has made it this far, that he finally gets to do something other kids his age are doing, excited that so far the plan is working and we are on the right track.

His IEP is in place, his backpack is packed and he is tucked in bed dreaming of finger paints and activity centers. WE ARE READY!

Turkey and Birthday Cake

A Thanksgiving Birthday (in photos)

A fun day for one amazing two three year old!

THREE!

Happy 3rd Birthday to my sweet little boy!

Lean not on your own understanding.

I'm home, the D&C went smoothly. It took me a really long time to wake up after the anesthesia. I'm still nauseous, dizzy, sore, sad and empty.

But... I'm healing.

I won't pretend to understand why this happened but I do believe there is a reason. I've said before that I feel life begins at conception and with life comes death and with death comes heaven. I believe with all my heart that there is one new sweet little angel up there today that was simply too precious for this earth.

Proverbs 3:5-6

blank.

Nothing good to share today. D&C scheduled for Friday.

Thank you for the prayers.

Monkeying Around

Happy Halloween!

Hanging in there...

I have finally gained enough strength to write this quick update, it will be short and to the point, I can't handle much more.

I went the Doc Monday afternoon for an ultrasound at 6 weeks (according to measurements) and they saw a larger gestational sac with Sweet Pea inside. The sac and baby/fetal pole were both abnormally shaped and they could find no heartbeat. I was told to wait to miscarry, it should happen in 7-10 days. So far, I have not. It is extremely painful to carry around this baby inside of me that is not living. It's heartbreaking. There is about a 2% chance they could find a heartbeat at my next ultrasound (10-1-10) but they seemed pretty sure (and I feel) that isn't going to happen. On Monday, we will discuss further options (D&C).

I am angry and so hurt but trying to be strong. My friends and family are wonderful, I am so thankful for them and of course Colton is amazing as always and helps me remember that I should focus on everything I do have in this life and not dwell on what I do not.