Friday, August 20, 2010

My Green Monster

I have a monster. No, not a monster in my closet but a monster none the less. My monster is green and big and hairy and ugly. My monster has a name, its name is jealousy. I'm not jealous of the things other people have, I am jealous of the things other people (mainly other people's children) can do. To admit this to you all makes me so ashamed and embarrassed, I want to stop typing, I want to turn of my laptop, pull up my cover and drift slowly to sleep. But, I CAN'T. This monster has been haunting me so badly for so long and it is very important for me to be honest and not keep this monster locked inside.

Most of you know Colton's story, he is my miracle boy. Being born at 23 weeks, 6 days is not an easy thing to do for anyone, especially a one pound fragile newborn. Because of his early birth he developed brain bleeds that eventually led to brain surgery and brain damage, this is the primary cause of his CP. Not only does his development suffer neurologically, he is also 95% blind, another disability stemming from his premature birth. Needless to say, Colton is significantly behind his peers developmentally. I knew this would be the case from the beginning, everyday people would remind me that he was born four months early and that he would be 4-6 months behind other babies born the same time as him. I was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for is the fact that now, at almost three years old he would not be even close to "caught up". If I had a dollar for all the times I've heard "remember, every preemie develops at his/her own pace" I would... well, I'm not sure what I would do but I would be a very rich person. I know this already but it doesn't take the sting away when you watch a baby two years younger than your child walking around without a care in the world while my little man is stuck crawling around on the floor. I've watched the children of my friends, family and even strangers develop at what seems like breakneck speeds, they are all passing us by. My green monster grows a little more each day, I feel like one day I might just explode.

I've talked a lot about "I" in this post. Yes, selfishly, I am jealous for myself. I want to be able to watch my son take his first steps someday, hear him ask me a question or just be able to communicate with his peers. I want all this for me, yes, but I want it for him 1000 times more. We head to the hospital at least once a month to visit various specialists and as soon as I take a seat in the waiting rooms Colton is wiggling trying to get down and play. Hospitals are germy, I can't imagine letting him crawl around on those floors but I see other kids smaller than him walking around freely and it makes my heart hurt. He would be so much happier walking, I know he would. I want this for him, my green monster grows even more when I think of all the things he would love to do but can't. I'm sure that two months from now, when he starts preschool, he would be so proud to walk across that threshold into the classroom that he will spend the next three years, I used to be sure that would happen, now not so much. He tries so hard but he has so many things working against him, it's so hard to watch and so horribly unfair.

I usually try to put a positive spin on all my posts but I just can't today. My heart hurts too bad. I'm sad and scared and angry and extremely jealous. I'm ashamed of my green monster but I just can't seem to shake him. At least now I am one step closer to setting him free.

6 comments:

  1. Keep your chin up! You're doing everything humanly possible for you and Colton! He loves you for everything you do. And it does sound cliche, but one day he WILL do all those things!

    ReplyDelete
  2. You've done a courageous thing by sharing your thoughts. We all have our own barriers and you shouldn't be ashamed of yours. There are definitely moments that I look at moms running in easily with their babies and wonder what that ease would be like...Colton will have those moments too but the fact that you're honest about yours will help him accept his difficult times and move forward. Hang in there:)

    ReplyDelete
  3. You don't know me but i have followed Colton's story. My name is Katie and my children's story is thekauffiehouse.blogspot.com
    Both my children were born prematurly but my youngest my daughter was born 3 months early weighing only 2 lbs. I too have a GREEN monster. My daughter is G tube fed..we are making progress with the eating..finally. Every time I see a Mom give there baby a bottle I want to scream. If you ever need to scream via email, feel free to contact me! Good luck, you are doing an AWESOME job!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I think its great that you were able to write about your green monster and share it. I'm not going to say I understand how you feel because Colton's trials are different than my preemie's, but the green monster is the same for me.

    If you ever need to talk, I'm right across the road :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Hi, I'm a recent follower and I wanted to let you know that I know how hard fought each of his milestones are and while they may be on a different time table they are your family's victories. You have one rockin' little guy who has over come so much and come so far already.

    Please take this comment as a supportive one, and in no way dismissive of the feelings you have shared. (And you are amazing for sharing them btw.)

    ReplyDelete
  6. I think you seeem like a really amazing mom who is having a human moment.
    Your son is lucky to have you.

    ReplyDelete